Whew it’s rough picking one to start with. Feeling all judged and shit, and I ain’t even wrote anything, let alone publish it yet. Deep breath girl, you got this! Not like anyone will find this blog, and read it. It’ll be buried deep in the search engines.
To The Father I never knew,
I was working at KFC when my boyfriend at the time came in and someone called saying your Dad had a heart attack. My instant thought was my parents are in Missouri, and I have no way of calling my mother. (Cell phones were not part of my life back then) My boyfriend then said no your real father. Confusion entered my mind. I had 4 more hours of my shift left to think on this. My parents return Sunday evening and I tell Mom I want to fly out to Arizona to have my peace with you. Of course you know now that didn’t happen. So here I sit left with an array of unanswered questions.
I want you to know I’ve had a fairly decent life. It’s had it’s shares of up’s and down’s but even a millionaire has issues the world never sees. Yes I had been curious about you, and determined once I was 18 that I would find you. Sadly you passed just a couple days before I found out I was having my 1st son. Grandma was very disappointed at first, but you know her, she loved me too much to stay mad. I miss her so much. I can’t say I miss you, since I never knew you. But am told I take after you in many aspects of my life. My love of all animals is the one that shines brightest. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll feed and pet bambie all summer long, but come hunting season. All bets are off. I do try to take after my native ancestors and only hunt for food. To this day I have no trophy’s.
I’ve never been a “girly” girl, but decent enough to look at I suppose. I’ve never been the make-up type of girl. Had a boy in high school tell me…you should wear make-up more often, you look better with it on. I wasn’t as witty then as I am now. So I just smiled. You can probably count on 1 hand how many times I wore make-up in high school. Those words struck a nerve with me. And I noticed after turning 21 and going through a bit of a make-up phase. (My skill set included basics only. Eyeliner, mascara, blush, and sometime eye shadow) That guys responded differently to me when I wore make-up opposed to when I didn’t. Looking back, it was at that point in my life I should of use my beauty for evil. I’m kidding I have morals. But I’d be lying if the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. In my 20’s I became very cocky, when I discovered that guys found me extremely attractive. I never seen what others did, still don’t when someone compliments me. The would of, could of, should of we think of later on when memories flash back into our minds. I don’t dwell there. I do try to be optimistic whenever possible. Our children test that though don’t they.
What would I say if you were sitting in front of me today. I’d say this Dad, I turned out pretty good. I have my faults like every human on this plant. I don’t have it all, but I have what I need. Am I happy? For the most part I am.
I have experience the greatest joys, and deepest sorrows. And came out stronger from every experience life has sent me. Losing you at a young age, shaped me differently than most would have expected. Yes I went through my rage toward my mother about not being allowed to see you. Witnessing family addiction and overdose at a young age aided in me becoming the person I am. I can say very proudly that I have never done any hard drugs. That is thanks to the overdose, and my love of reading. I spent my childhood in libraries as much as I could. I also eavesdropped a lot as a kid. So what the adults talked about, I looked up later in books. I was wise beyond my younger years, and quiet for many more. I’ve had more than my fair share of offers to do hard drugs, but “knowledge is power”, haha gotta love 80’s inspirational quotes huh! I have smoked cannabis but that was after a lot of research and at the age of 23. So I’m not going to further justify my beliefs on that.
I think if you had lived, you and I would of mended our relationship. After all if my Mom can sit at a table with my Step-dad’s ex wife. Then forgiveness for my father would of happened. I’ve pissed off that side of the family over less. So until we see each other on the other side, wish me well and watch over me. I’ll be fine, I am after all….My fathers daughter!
LettersNeverSent 